I am not a perfect person, in fact I am so imperfect that I should be defending why I even think I could be perfect in the first place. That conversation would end. If I were to dwell on the ways ( and they are many) in which I am imperfect, we may be stuck here the whole day. But out of these very elaborate imperfections, there are some that I have realised are a lot more pronounced than others. And in the process of getting to learn myself, I have figured out my greatest weaknesses.
I’ve said on several posts that keeping me waiting is possibly the worst thing you can do to me. But beyond impatience in terms of waiting for people to show up, I have little patience for people in general. I tried to teach my niece the alphabet the other day, it ended in tears. I wasn’t aware of how bad my impatience was until our academy director told me he had to pick very carefully who would work with me because I “ have no patience for anyone who is not my speed”. I spoke to my sister about it and she was very honest . She said I was possibly the least accommodating person she knew. “You’re approachable but not accomodating”
I’m working my way out of this though, teaching myself how to listen, even when what I’m listening to doesn’t make the most sense to me. I’m also learning how to give people a chance especially when it comes to working with them. I’m learning to breathe and not to react too quickly.
Inability to let go of things
Ironically, I am also one of those people who just don’t know when to quit. I force the hell out of things. Sometimes the writing is on the wall but I’ll just look at a different wall. I never know when to walk away from situations, particularly relationships with other people. I have a friend who I was so close to at varsity. But towards the end of our final year, she just became somebody else. And I realise now that she didn’t become somebody else, she had been that person the entire time, I just chose not see it because acknowledging that meant I would possibly lose my friend. I should have walked out way sooner than I did. If ever I get the time, I will also tell you how I let a boy run literal circles around me from the time I was 16 till well after my 21st birthday. 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡
However I’m learning to walk away from things that don’t make sense to me anymore. I’m also getting to appreciate Oprah’s quote, “When people show you who they are, believe them”. Not every friendship is supposed to be forever, not every relationship is supposed to mean something, not every person in your life matters.
Lack of Empathy
Let me explain. My Myer-Briggs personality type is the INTJ which essentially means I think better than I feel. As a result, I’m terrible at reading people’s emotions. I have a very controlled response to pain and emotion and it took me a long time to realise that a) you can’t schedule emotions b) some people are just more in touch with their feelings. So for the most part, I would say things that were really insensitive and tone deaf, or dead ass walk out at the first display of emotion, not out of ill intention but because that’s what I would want said to me if I were in a similar situation.
I am however learning how to be more empathetic. See, because I was failing empathy that also made my writing pretty lukewarm. My characters, like me couldn’t get in touch with their feelings but once I started acknowledging that people are different and once I learnt to feel for people, I realised that my words became more believable. More importantly, I found I interacted better with people.
Guys…I am lazy. Let’s call it what it is. Procrastination is such a fancy word. I’m lazy. Periodt! This working from home thing isn’t helping either. I could do so much with the time that I have but I take so many naps and…I just lack discipline. This is not to say that I don’t deliver everything I am supposed to. I do. But I would be able to do so much more if I just applied myself.
I’m giving myself daily and weekly to do lists to try and overcome this and it’s a struggle but we will get there someday.
Ngilamawala. Long story short. I have been that way my entire life. I run head first into situations without thinking them through and at the end of the day I am annoyed with myself with the decisions I make. These range from taking on projects to agreeing to plans to full on relationships.
I’m learning to breathe though. To think before I rush into anything else that I may regret later on. I also use sounding boards: my sister and my #bff. I have learnt to consult before I make any drastic choices because I swear I should not be allowed to make decisions.